I’ve just returned from a doctor’s appointment and I thought I would share an uncomfortable story with you. Hopefully I can entertain you at my own expense while sharing a important lesson about using humor inappropriately. Let me add that while this may tickle your funnybone, I can assure you, my bone was altogether un-tickled at the time.

So here’s the story…

I went to the doctor today for a somewhat serious issue, but since I hadn’t been in quite a while, I also decided to get a physical just to see how fat and unhealthy I had actually become over the last year (very much so as it turns out).

Now I will be the first to point out that I use humor as a defense mechanism. I’m kind of like Chandler from the show Friends. I can find some type of humor in almost any situation, and when I am uncomfortable, I will use that humor, often inappropriately.

In the office…

After the obligatory 10 hour wait I entered my exam room. I hit it off immediately with the nurse tech, a robust woman with a friendly personality and a quick smile. She was a piece of cake. As a large guy, cracking a joke about stepping on the scale was enough for an easy laugh and immediate tension breaker.

She proceeded to take my history, do the normal blood pressure and check-up type stuff. The tone of the discussion became a little more serious, but because we were both generally happy/funny people it was easy to keep the conversation light.

When she finished, I was told to wait for the PA for the actual visit. I proceeded to review some articles I brought with me and settled in for what I assumed would be an hour wait.

To my surprise, the PA came in after just a few minutes. Severe, is probably the best word to describe her. She was a large woman (not fat, just large) with a kind of butch haircut and no-nonsense demeanor. Think women’s softball coach, and that is probably the right picture.

We began to review my records and talk about what was going on. Feeling pretty uncomfortable with both the situation and this woman in particular, I ramped up the humor. I made every possible joke or funny reference I could think of to ease the tension (all mine I admit, she was about as indifferent as Martha Stewart at a Snoop Dog concert)

Nothing. Not a smile, not a chuckle, not even a glint of humanity in her eye.

We then proceeded to the physical part of the exam, whereby she told me I was fat, lazy, and need to stop smoking. That came as absolutely no surprise. We made idle chit chat during the process where I explained that my wife is just about to finish Vet school, how her best friend is also a PA, and tried to throw in a few more jokes. Still nothing

Then she said, “Pull down your pants.”

And this was literally the first though in my head…

“Dammit. It’s cold in here.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I would guess I am an average white male. I’m not real big on pulling my pants down for anyone, especially when there is a good chance I am at maximum shrinkage. Combine that with Ms. Beula Ballbreaker in front of me, and I am anything but sexually aroused. Not a great combination to exemplify the male prowess.

It’s funny how that is always the first thing that goes through a guys mind. The doctor could be telling you are dying, and when they ask you to drop trow, I guarantee you the first thing a guy thinks is how small their dick will look.

Anyway, I unbuckle my belt and drop my pants to the floor. She grabs hold of my package with the sent of rubber gloves, talcum power, and for some reason lemon Pledge, wafting in the air.

And then she giggles.

In case you didn’t catch that, this woman who I have not been able to get to even break a smile in the last 15 minutes of my more outlandish behavior – This woman who looks like an angry lesbian version of the mean mom from Little House on the Prairie… is holding my package and giggling.

Needless to say I was not thrilled.

She told me to pull my pants back up, as apparently the humiliation was over. She then made a few notes and we went our separate ways without another word said - Me to pay the outlandish bill, and her I am sure, to club some baby seals or maybe mock some handicapped kids.

As I drove home, I began to think about why she laughed at that particular moment when nothing I said or did earlier caused a similar reaction.

I may be simply justifying her reaction to myself, but I think something I had said earlier had just sunk in and she was making one of those introspective chuckles we all do sometimes when a funny thought or memory is triggered. It just happened to be extremely bad timing. I’m fairly sure that her very indifference the rest of the visit meant that she could give a crap about me, or my insecurities about the fact that I was butt-ass naked in her office. But it hurt regardless.

The moral of the story

Well there are actually two. The first is this: There isn’t always a place for humor. I was at the doctors for a serious matter. Not life-threatening, but serious nonetheless. I should have sucked it up and stayed serious even if I was uncomfortable. Ultimately, her giggle, which I still maintain was not directed AT me, but may have come FROM me, was my own fault.

Second, if you ever have a man’s penis in your hands – and I say this in the gravest of tones – DO NOT, under any circumstances – ever, ever laugh. I don’t care if you just thought of the time you friend splurted milk out her nose, or your dog is dry humping your favorite stuffed animal, don’t laugh. Don’t do it. It’s a part of the male psyche that will never be confident.

So business people. Try to keep in mind the context of the situation. Using humor is often a great tool, but as you can see, it is not without peril.

And ladies, please be kind and don’t mock our insecurities. You hold our fragile ego, right in the palm of your hands.

Be cool.

JJ